In the beginning . . . . We just don’t realize how important our beginnings are. Most people think that babies are little blobs of protoplasm that won’t remember anything that happened during their infancy, and certainly not during their time in the womb. Yet, as I keep saying, there could be nothing further from the truth. As we seek to uncover what stimulates our thoughts, emotions and behaviors, we have come to find that the way our forebearers thought about us, felt about us and, most importantly, treated us, laid the foundation for how we think and feel about ourselves and how we treat ourselves and others.
Do you mean that whether Mom or Dad wanted me was important? Do you mean that whether Mom got pregnant intentionally or inadvertently was noteworthy? Do you mean that whether or not Mother took care of herself while she was pregnant was significant? Do you mean that everything my mother thought and felt during pregnancy affected me? Yes, I do!
Oh, my goodness—yes, your goodness! How you think, feel and behave today is directly shaped by the influences of your parent’s thoughts, feelings and actions. If I have not said that enough, I will be saying it again throughout these pages. We all have to wake up to the fact that our predecessors were the Henry Higgins (remember how, in My Fair Lady, he changed a flower girl into a lady?) in our lives who helped turn us into who we have become. We may be very happy with who we are, but it is more likely that we have some traits that give us trouble, some aspects of our personalities that we’d like to change.
In order to change, it is helpful to understand that no one, not even ourselves, are to blame for anything. To be angry, vengeful or unforgiving just delays our healing and our ability to move beyond old patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving that bring consequences into our lives that we don’t want.
First, let’s distinguish between bonding and attachment. These words are often used synonymously but I like Marshall and Phyllis Klaus’ definitions best: bonding is “falling in love with your baby.” It is the tie from the parent to the child. Bonding is a unique relationship between two people; it is specific and endures through time.
Attachment, on the other hand, is the tie from the child to the parent/caregiver. How a child feels toward one parent may be different from how they feel about the other. There may be a close attachment for Mother, for example, but a distant attachment for Father. Attachment is a style, not a diagnosis. Because we are social beings, we are born to relate to others. For over fifty years, based on the pioneering research of John Bowlby, attachment is the term we use to describe the ways in which we relate to others, particularly those closest to us. This subject continues to be studied and ways to alter our attachment style have been found.
To borrow from transactional analysis, here is a chart to simplify ATTACHMENT STYLES with estimates of how many of us fall into each category:
There are four different attachment styles. Just on the face of it, it sounds like we would all like to have a secure attachment style. This style is the manner in which we relate to others, especially those with whom we are up close and personal. A secure child would feel comfortable connecting with others and also exploring the world. Life seems predictable and not threatening. In the Strange Situation laboratory setting where both caregiver and toddler are observed, a secure child is somewhat distressed by the caregiver leaving the playroom but is easily soothed and comforted when the caregiver returns. Their adult relationships reflect their inner sense of security, demonstrating the way they trust themselves and trust others. Their life stories, referred to as narratives, are coherent (assessed by the Adult Attachment Interview) and they are able to access both sides of their brains—both their logical, analytical faculties and their emotional intuitive and creative abilities.
What happens when a child’s needs are not met in a timely way? As an example, from an infant’s point of view being fed on a four-hour schedule feels like starvation. With no sense of time, and disconnected from an umbilical cord which delivered continuous sustenance, they could feel they going to die. We now know that babies need to be fed every twenty minutes to two hours. The old-school idea that babies could wait hours to be fed has led to anxiety, insecurity and overeating later in life. This is because there remains a bodily sensation that one is starving. Food literally becomes comfort food, the self-medication of choice.
This is just one example of how newborns perceive the world. Being separated from Mother can cause great fear; having the cord cut too soon can cause respiratory distress; having vernix scrubbed off delicate skin can feel abrasive; being stuck with needles can cause piercing pain; and much more which cause the infant to cry, the only communication ability it has to signal its distress. Does this sound like a path to feeling insecure and distrusting others? Yes, it does—hold that thought.
The first insecure attachment style is called avoidant or preoccupied. In laboratory situations, called the Strange Situation, a caregiver can exit the room leaving a one-year-old child alone to play. Avoidant children barely notice the absence of the caregiver upon departure or return. These children appear self-sufficient and continue to be self-sufficient as adults. In adulthood they often don’t want to be dependent or have others be dependent on them. These individuals are frequently unemotional, sometimes insensitive and neglectful. Their life narratives are brief. Gestures that depict this type would be hands pushing away or body leaning away.
Another insecure attachment style is called ambivalent or resistant. Children observed to be ambivalent are wary, alternately fussy then passive. They often appear clingy. Life seems unpredictable to these children leading them to become emotional as adults, seeking reassurance from another. However, their needs as children were met sometimes, but not others. Their narratives are long, incoherent and focus on the past. A gesture that depicts their attachment style is to push away with one hand while beckoning with the other. This push me-pull you lifestyle can be challenging for their partners to deal with.
A child with a disorganized attachment style appears confused, disoriented and dazed. Children in orphanages can appear this way. Extreme examples of individuals with disorganized attachment result from trauma, indeed, the caregiver has terrorized the child. The child may try to fight or flee, but without the success of those strategies, may freeze and dissociate. Adults can appear delusional in addition to being unable to cope.
The bottom line is that we are all born to attach—we are wired to attach. Our brains develop in relationship with another. We require responsive care. We will develop an attachment style. Knowing from the get-go that our attachment style can be changed from insecure to secure is comforting. What’s yours? Is it working for you?